how to love a child that is not yours
sometimes it’s difficult to be a step-parent. This is where a lot of step-parents run into problems. Close. At about six months old, we parted ways, but due to the mother’s habits and history, I was awarded primary custody of the child with the mother retaining visitation and paying the very minimal state child support due to her lack of working. You begin to prepare for them, announce their upcoming arrival, and lose sleep over picking the perfect name. My step-son, on the other hand, already has a mom and dad. Maybe he'll just like her a lot, and they'll get on well. I was wrong. 4. It wasn’t until I gave birth to my daughter, that I realized that while I love them both equally, I don’t love them the same. Your child should never hear you call yourself names like stupid, fat, or lazy. I'd be mad at the other parent for not telling me, but I wouldn't want my relationship with the child to change. This thread is archived. The thing about being a nanny — or in any line of childcare — is that you get attached to a child that doesn't in any way belong to you. I know too many other adoptees, and too many adoptive parents, to doubt the commonality of your experience. You can love a child that is not biologically yours by accepting the fact that, by your oath to his mother , you have pledged your sword to the bloodline of that child which places you under a duty, an honour, and an obligation to die rather than defile the temple of daily sacrifice, which is love. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. Start a solid meal routine. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. “Accepting to raise that child means that one will have to deal with the child’s father forever, this brings up trust issues and it is not good for a marriage,” he says. I expected him to be angry, hurt. I didnt feel that immense love most moms feel until just a few weeks ago and my son was born New Years Eve 2014. I loved the child from the start. Your children are not your children. The relationship is different. And though they are with you, they belong not to you. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. – not to like your child’s mood and behavior, even though you love him underneath it all. She craves my attention when she’s with us. I’m not a girlie-girl and I didn’t really know what to do with one of those. We’ve had our issues, but she’s a good mother. But, I’m passionate and I’m good at what I do. 6. But the Torah tells us that we must “love our neighbor as we love ourselves.” As a biological mother or father, you automatically love your child the moment that plus sign pops up on that plastic stick. It’s the commitment to your child that does. You won’t think twice about which parent does more or less because it won’t matter.All that will matter is the amazing journey you have been on with this child or children. It’s programmed in you. Because we love our children SO much, it’s easy to think that our love for them is best expressed in BIG gestures—a trip to an amusement park, an unexpected BIG gift, a HUGE birthday party. We can blame that on society, money or a number of other excuses. by Andrea Thompson | Mar 3, 2017 | Parenting Advice, Relationships + Family | 2 comments. (And, yes, I refer to him as my son) I love him just as much as I did the day I met him. Don’t expect them to be Christ-like. But there’s just a little something different there when that child is YOURS. And that’s okay! That “love” feeling for a step-child doesn’t always come easy to everyone. So proud of you! Can you love children that are not biologically yours? He is her father. For Derrick Kabanda, a graduate, it would certainly be a different case. He recently adopted Mikey and now he's 100% his. Then listen to your child’s opinions with respect. It’s a difficult situation, one that tends to be swept under the rug rather than dealt with. After having my daughter, and coming to this realization, I felt absolutely horrible, even ashamed, for a long time. If you discover the child you thought was biologically yours really isn’t, the emotional pain can be excruciating and you may feel confused about your relationship with them. We can’t give our full hearts over to just anyone. Express your wish for your child’s future happiness and the reasons you think she or he is making a mistake. When it comes to my daughter, all she has is myself and my husband. Joseph says: “According to MSF, some foster children do come with a background of trauma, and the negative behaviours really stem … The difficult thing about making assumptions is it may cause you to treat a child in a different way, which may not always resolve the problem. Life happened, and once I discovered we were pregnant, I switched directions; opting for the healthcare industry because of the stability. You may house their bodies but not their souls, The fact of the matter is 40% of married couples in America have entered a relationship with existing children and there are approximately 12 million single parents. On occasion, we also use cookies to collect information from our toddlers, but that’s a totally different thing. Visit our Privacy Policy for more info. I still played and talked with him like I always had. Peaceful parenting is such a big part of my life and home. 67% Upvoted. If your child is an unbeliever, don’t ignore it. 5. Here are 10 easy ways to bond with your child and strengthen their relationship with their child. He was the cutest little thing I’d ever seen. But in a mother-child relationship, the parent does wield an amazing amount of emotional power. Where to move from a big city with small children? Analyzing a child’s facial features and eating habits. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. Analyzing how the child walks. But, the fact of the matter is, it’s not uncommon to find yourself in a relationship with someone who has a kid, or going into one with a kid of your own. Your child will only thrive if you see her positively, so she can see herself positively. (There's a long story behind how SO got Mikey. But they can be—and are—infused with love. report. I have seen adoptive parents that carry the same kind of love for their adopted children that I carry for my biological one. When I first found out I was having a girl, I worried. Use empathy, connection, and repair -- rather than punishing. Nobody wants to talk about this. Although, this method is often used I suggest allowing the child to mature for a year or two to see if the baby’s hue changes. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. I didn’t treat his son any differently. You become attached. But, being a step-parent has it’s challenges! Healthy habits are the best way to raise a healthy child. This just isn’t the case in a situation where your partner has a child from a previous relationship. All punishment withdraws love from the child. Apparently, so does my daughter. Then there was the fact that Cheri was a hugely damaged and difficult child. A toxic relationship is a two-way street. I’ve built, and am still building, my writing career from scratch. If the child was born during your marriage to the mother, you are by default considered the biological father and legal guardian of the child, in nearly all cases. Maybe the kid doesn’t like you; perhaps they’re struggling with the change in their life. It’s a question I’ve been asked many times — by my closest friends, by my mother and most importantly, by my son’s birthmother: “How do you know you will love a child who is not your own flesh and blood?” If you love the child then I cant imagine that it would change how you feel. It hurts when my child says she doesn’t love me. Thank you so much, Susy! I thought I could never love another kid like I love this one. Focus on being their friend. Long story short. Second, when you get a stranger in your house, you're not going to love it straight away, you're just not. My SO has a son, but the child is not his bio child. That maternal instinct and bond belongs to her. A non-biological father is a parent who is not related to the child by blood. You don’t have to be the perfect mom or dad to the kid that already has one. I had a child with a woman several years ago, and had no reasons not to assume the child was mine. Loving and nurturing a child is necessary when fostering a child. Even if your step-child is just a regular kid – neither angel nor devil – it is normal not to love him or her. Subscribe to our newsletter to receive the freshest, up to date parenting advice and stories. This is because a valid adoption enables a non-biological parent to gain full legal and physical custody of a child. Besides, the truth is that no child belongs to a parent. If you assume your child is just being moody, you may not respond with as much love. You can teach self-love to your child by showing it towards yourself. As a biological mother or father, you automatically love your child the moment that plus sign pops up on that plastic stick. Being a surrogate father is a way to help the children understand, and maybe one day experience, the love of the Heavenly Father, says Joseph. But SO doesn't care. Are you able to love a child that is not yours and to love that child as your own? And, in the end, I can prove to my daughter that she can do anything she wants with this life. They don't have the same biological genes or savings account of stored-up love and energy for the teenager. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about what it's like to fall in love with a child who isn't your flesh and blood. I’ve got 3 parenting tips for dealing with “I don’t love you!” I struggle with my mother-daughter relationship. In fact, there have been a lot of cases where someone who was not the biological father was a much better parent then the so-called "real" father. Therapy can help you alot. This doesn’t lessen my importance; it simply means that I’m not required to fulfill a certain role. What I felt for my daughter, and didn’t for him, his biological mother did. It’s perfectly OK – and very common! Thanks for this article! 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Just to clarify, I love my son more, yes, however I LOVE the crap out of my daughter. Biology doesn’t lead to love. I do agree with your teacher that it is hard to love a child that isn't yours biologically more or as much as you love your own, but I do think it is possible to still LOVE a child that is not biologically yours. I suspect that people asking how you could ever love a child who isn’t “yours” believe love should be easy. If your most intimate moments are about meeting his needs and not yours, we’re sorry to say he’s absolutely a man-child. It's perfectly possible he'll grow to love your child over time, but it's also perfectly possible he won't. We all have spiritual connections with our children and those who meditate and know how to listen to their inner being, can feel this and so if you don’t feel anything at all towards the child, its likely the baby is not yours and vice versa. You begin to prepare for them, announce their upcoming arrival, and lose sleep over picking the … But if you want to know how to really love your child today—and every … 4. Finally, years later, I was in a place where I could leave the day job that never truly made me happy, and pursue my dreams. That's his baby. He believes raising another man’s child is a burden too much to bear for a lifetime. But, sometimes that may not always be the case. When I first started seeing my husband, his son was only 3 months old. Boundaries are not designed for the sake of punishing but for the sake of flourishing. And I think parenting—whether you’re raising your child by birth or adoption—is going to have plenty of challenging moments. If you think the child is dealing with deeper issues, you may be tempted to excuse the behavior. Building Connection D eveloping a relationship with a child that is not yours follows the same steps as if it was. I wish you the best of luck! How in the world was it okay that I felt differently about this new baby than I did his son? Privacy Policy. The example you gave [in the original question on Quora], which is apparently supposed to show the "evil incarnate" attitude of a seven-year-old girl, was one sentence of sass. Maybe you love your child so much you are afraid to bond because losing that child would destroy you? I played with him, bathed him, fed him and rocked him just like he was mine. We use cookies to collect information from your browser to personalize content and perform site analytics. Until one night I finally broke down in sobs to my husband and told him everything. Can you love children that are not biologically yours? He was so easy to love. Reply. But, instead, he pointed out to me that it was, in fact, okay. This is one of the things many people take for granted because we always prefer facts on paper, but naturally, every father and child have a spiritual and emotional connection and you will be surprised to know that you can tell if a child is yours at first sight – just because something within you which you may not quite be able to explain connected with the child anytime you set eyes on him or … One step at a time. Maybe you’re struggling to find that “parental instinct” you thought you were supposed to have. Consider saying "I'm not comfortable with you treating me that way." I don’t necessarily think this has anything to do with biology, carrying the child within your body, or creating them with your own DNA. I’ve been proud of all of her accomplishments, all of her successes and I’ve held her close when she’s had her fair share of disappointments. I live in a tiny, little town in Kentucky, where I spend my free time fishing with my kids. I’m very thankful for the opportunity to share my experience with others. While you love this child with all your heart and soul, they already have a parent that you can’t, and shouldn’t, replace. I care about him and for him the same way I do my biological daughter. You can't abandon a child after you had already been raising them, and formed a bond with them. hide. The Answer Is Simple. Put all of that out of your head for the time being and start with introducing them. share. This guest post is by Angela Boucher, an adoptive mother. It’s programmed in you. I try to practice this with BOTH of my children. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. It's one of those things that changes your life. It's scary, but exciting. I’d jump in front of a moving train for either one of them. Be the person who CHOSE to be in their life, to care for them and love them, who you by no means had to. My son was a tiny, cute little baby when he came into my life. You’re not alone. save. Archived. Remind them and yourself of this daily. My name is Andrea Thompson and I’m a home based freelance writer. I suspect that people asking how you could ever love a child who isn’t “yours” believe love should be easy. I crave for hers when she’s not. Sacrifice….love….commitment… long painful nights of holding them through the storm of their trauma….fighting for them (even when you want to fight against them)…is how love is built. I am her mother. After all, think of how long it took you to find your spouse to love. The mother cheated, got pregnant with another man's baby. Now, before you burn me at the stake, let me clarify. 2. Be the person they can come to when they don’t feel like they can go to their parents. Either way, it’s okay. After listening to me for what seemed like forever, he looked at me quizzically and said, “It’s okay.”. You become protective, caring, confused, and even a little… If your son is not a Christian, he’s not going to act like one. Routine helps kids feel safe and know what to expect. For they have their own thoughts. Posted by 5 years ago. I’m 23 years old, married to my best friend, and mother to a wonderfully independent and opinionated 3 year old girl and step-mother to a sweet seven year old boy. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. We’re all she’s got. Its love that counts, not genetics or DNA. Reaffirm your love for him. Doing things for your stepchild or stepchildren will be like 2nd nature and your love will be unconditional for them. How Can I Love A Child Who Is Not My Own Flesh And Blood? The assumption that parents, especially mothers, have a “natural” love for their child is a fundamental part of our belief system—and the core of family life and society. It's very possible to love a child that's not biologically yours. Despite not being biologically related to the child, a non-biological parent can still obtain legal parental status by formally adopting the child. I think that it simply boils down to the fact that my son already has a mother. With his big brown eyes and chubby little cheeks, he stole my heart. I'm not the father." I love my son. It's not so easy for stepmoms. The thing about being a nanny — or in any line of childcare — is that you get attached to a child that doesn't in any way belong to you. Love involves sacrifice. I know I had to let go of what I thought motherhood was going to be for me and accept what it is. Or maybe you’re just like me and don’t understand that difference in emotions between your step and biological children. I could’ve smacked him. Do keep in mind that dramatic reactions may be exactly what the child is seeking, and may end up encouraging more undesired behavior, so keep it calm if you can. and their are outside influences pulling on the child on the paternal side but you can love anothers child and it is part of loving the package that is your partner he will love his own 100% and it will be more precious but he will not if he says he loves your son love him any less he just could not love him 100% I’m just an extra person to love and snuggle him. It's different, yet rewarding. Yours! The color of the newborn’s skin tone. 6) General Appearance and Resemblance: Issues relating to the child’s background will be both behavioral and emotional and will be played out in the family environment. 20 comments. These parents don’t tend to stay single for long and so blended families are becoming quite the norm. Raising a child that is not yours biologically does NOT have to be the stereo typical "step children from hell" . But they can be—and are—infused with love. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. Show the child respect, show the mother respect and have a united front with the mother, and everything should be fine. Walk away from people who disrespect or abuse you. And that you can continue to grow in your love for and understanding of your love for your child now. If it hadn’t eaten me up to the point of breaking down, no one would’ve ever noticed. And I think parenting—whether you’re raising your child by birth or adoption—is going to have plenty of challenging moments. Putting it together. "I know the baby isn't mine... Just waiting on this income tax check then I'm leaving her!" Make a bedtime routine as well that includes hygiene and maybe time to read together. Mom says: December 30, 2020 at 5:24 pm. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won’t be.